A Full Month

Just returned last Friday from our long awaited two week vacation to Chicago, Michigan, and Indiana. There is a long post to come with pictures and tales of our various adventures. For now, I will just say that it was incredible, relaxing, a time for reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. The weather was beautiful, Chicago amazing - can't wait to go back. A few things happened during the past month I want to mention. First, the children's production I directed back in May was nominated for 4 Zoni's including Best Production and a Best Director's nod for myself. I was stunned and thrilled and owe it all to the amazing cast, all 22 of them and their supportive parents, not to mention an fantastic, talented Asst Director! Also, the week before we left I had my long awaited interview for Banner Fellows. Friday I will find out of I have been chosen as one of 30 for their fall cohort, it would be an honor and privilege to finish nursing school as a Fellow! More to come tomorrow, off to work this morning.

Fourth of July

Thirteen years ago Craig and I were married on the 4th of July. This man was and still is my best friend, lover, travel companion, conspirator, sparring partner, father of my children, the only man I have ever truly loved. These past 13 years have been filled with laughter, struggles, adventure, pain, challenges that pushed us to the brink. There were moments I would not have survived without his strength, moments of grief that tore us apart and then brought us back to each other. The birth of our first son together, followed by the shared tears and heartbreak when learning of his heart condition at 3 days old. The fear and anticipation over Cam's three surgeries, followed by relief over his recoveries. The celebration and joy over the birth of our healthy twin girls. Small snippets of days, fights, moments that are only ours - moments that over the years have shaped our marriage, our relationship in countless ways. There is no one else I can imagine sharing my life, my heart, my family with than Craig. He knows me in a way no one else ever has and to my sheer amazement and great joy he loves me even more than I ever could have anticipated. Finding and sharing my life with him has made me want to be a better person for him, for us, for our family, for our life together now and in the future.

This year was obviously very different than the one we shared together 13 years ago. I surprised our family with an overnight stay at a local resort that has a water park. The kids were thrilled, Craig and I tolerated the people, the lines, the crowds. After a while, we relaxed and focused on our kids. Splashing and playing in the pools, laughing and screaming on our way down the water slide, dinner at a local spot. This day was about all of us, the family we have made together and the many years to come as we raise our children. As the evening neared the end, we hopped on the light rail headed for Indian Steele Park to enjoy the fireworks or at least that was the plan. The light rail train in front of us broke down. After assessing the situation, we decided to walk the rest of the way through the warm summer evening. We didn't quite make it to the park, instead staking out a spot on the front lawn of Brophy Prep, away from the crowds we oohed and aahed over the fireworks display. As we adjusted our plans, there was no argument, no frustrations, we adapted, changed, moved forward together as we always have. It seems we have learned over the past 13 years that the most important thing in this life is that we are together no matter what direction life takes us in. Though I don't know what lies ahead of us, I know one thing. I want this man, my husband by my side, no matter what comes next.

A Time to Dance

When I was 4 years old my mother took me to Miss Genevieve's School of Dance near our home in Long Island. The pictures from those first few years of recitals reflect a happy, smiling little girl. Dressed in the requisite layers of tulle and frills, tap or ballet shoes on her feet enjoying every moment. Once we moved to Arizona, those dance classes became for me endless hours of torture. The giggles and innocence of little girls turned into cattiness accompanied by a level of competitiveness I dreaded. Truth be told, I was not much of a dancer. I was a dreamer, searching for every opportunity to lose myself in a book, or write in my journal. So, after much begging and pleading on my part followed by downright refusal to go on any longer, I quit dance for good.


Last week, I sat in an auditorium surrounded by vivid memories of those dance classes and recitals. For the past six months, my girls have been taking tap/ballet classes once a week. Their first recital was for them one of the highlights of their summer. For me, I had to take deep breaths, reminding myself this is one of the many things I have and will continue to do for my children. Given the choice, I would have been anywhere, but in that auditorium surrounded by pageantry and stage moms. They were lovely, in that sweet effervescent way only little girls can be. They smiled, giggled, tapped their way through their routine in their own layers of frills and tulle. There were my daughters, enjoying their first moment on stage, while I with tears in my eyes sat watching, cheering them on. Despite my hesitations, not to mention the two painful hours of performance I was subjected to during the course of the recital. I wouldn't have missed their five minutes for the world.

Highlights

Life has persisted at an ever moving, constantly churning pace. Me I just attempt to keep up. I am trying to stay present in the moment each day, reminding myself that counting the days until the kids go back to school is defeating the purpose of summer break. So far, we have gone to movies, explored our backyard, spent quiet evenings with a bowl of popcorn and our latest Netflix deliveries, laughed, fought, played, rode bikes, swam, planned new adventures...all the things that constitute an enjoyable, albeit busy summer break.

Craig and I snuck off on our own several times as well, spicy eggplant and green beans at China Chili followed by First Friday where we explored artwork from a plethora of artists. Heavenly lemon cheesecake and ooey gooey cupcakes from Tammy Coe wrapped up that particular evening's delights. Last weekend, found us headed out to our favorite theater, Nearly Naked to see Blood Brothers, which was simply fabulous. I am not a musical fan, but with strong acting and vocal performances, not to mention I was a sucker for the whole twin story line, it was really well done. Up next, is Father's Day and then our 13th wedding anniversary on July 4th.

Today, we are getting ready to scour Netflix for this evening's viewing pleasure. I can't wait to snuggle up with my 3 favorite wee ones, soaking in the simple pleasure of their company.

The Floundering

The past two weeks have been difficult for me. Challenges have arisen at work that left me questioning my career path. Roadblocks have shown up financially to hinder my progress. Sleepless nights have followed busy days, leaving me drained and unable to employ all of my capacities to make clear, rational decisions. I find myself vacillating between applying to Fellows or working more overtime for the next 6 months, continuing the endless wait. Even my dreams are rambling, jumbled thoughts of right and wrong decisions, fears and consequences, choices that have no easy answer. Most days, I want to slap on tennis shoes and run until I am out of breath, outrace the worries that plague me. This is by far one of the toughest decisions I have ever grappled with in my adult life.

The Fellows application lies on my desk in the office that opens to our living room, to the noises of the children Craig and I share, home, responsibilities. I press my temples, sigh, deliberate, write about why I want to become a nurse, where my future lies. My desire to help others, to give back all of the endless gifts I have received since my son was born. Save others, heal people so they can get back to their lives, their families, their own decisions, and choices. At work, there are moments I wander aimlessly lost in my own thoughts. I recall the children I have seen mauled by their family dog, families mourning the unexpected and painful loss of a loved one, couples facing tough diagnoses and unknown futures, parents crying with fear and worry for their sick or injured children.

I feel this deep sense of responsibility, urgency within myself to to make it better for them, to ease their path, lighten their load. Realistically, I know it won't happen every time, that being a nurse will be a tough burden to bear, it won't be within my power to fix everyone. I see brief glimpses of the relief in a touch or a smile, words of reassurance, guidance towards the answers that are sought, dedication and devotion from nurses that have found their calling, their life's work, their mission, in helping others. They ease their patients pain, comfort their families, make them laugh, smile, assist them in some of the most intimate and fearful times of their life. They make a difference each and every day in the lives of their patients, treating each one with care and dignity, experience and confidence directing their steps. They reaffirm my choices, inspire me, encourage me.

In return, I pick up the application and began to write my words on their pages. My responses filling the empty spaces, I am following my dream, hearing my calling, responding and pushing forward past the obstacles. Hoping to join their ranks instead of floundering in my fears and doubts.