Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Letting Go

There a few occasions that I find myself at a loss for words. Lately I either can not find enough words or maybe just the right words don't seem to come. Both my perfectionist nature and headstrong personality which have in the past encouraged me to dive into to so many situations without a moment's hesitation have now become somewhat taxing. There is so much pressure on me that I feel like any error or miscalculation on my part constitues a complete, utter failure. The problem is no one else is putting that pressure on me, but myself. Take for instance today. There I was in the skills lab doing my vital signs check off, I was 8pts off on the blood pressure reading I did the first time. The professor checked me off on the rest of my vitals and told me come back to try the BP again in the afternoon. All of my lunch hour, along with a good portion of the afternoon was spent beating myself up. As the end of the day neared, I felt that I should not even try again, but I did and I was within the 4pt difference that was allowed. So, there it was checked off on my list and there I was defeated instead of celebrating.

On the drive home I asked myself who is this person? Where is the woman I know and recognize? The desire to run as far as I could as fast as I could begin to settle upon me. The same urge I have felt in the past when my control began to slip. The thing is I am not by any stretch of the imagination a runner. So, instead I fed the kids, pumped up my bike tires, and with NIN pounding in my ears I was off. Legs pumping furiously, I rode until the muscles in my leg began to whimper, rode until they screamed ENOUGH, rode until the tears came and my legs turned to jello. It was only at that point as the release finally came that I let go, climbed off my bike, and walked the remainder of the way home.

As my breathing slowed, I reminded myself of all the reasons I am becoming a nurse, all the reasons I am drawn to, and love this profession. It was then that it struck me, the reason I am putting all this pressure on myself. I want more than anything to be not just be a nurse, but to be a successful nurse, to put my heart and soul, a piece of myself into my work and my patients. I can not think of anything more important to me at this point in my life than seeing the culmination of my dream. I have found the one thing in life I feel I should be doing and more than anything I am scared of failing, it is not even an option for me not to finish what I have started. This epiphany came to me then, that I need to let it all go and let whatever is meant to be just happen. After all, that is how I got here in the first place. All the rewards and challenges I have faced in my life have in retrospect all happened for a reason. So, I am going to take the first of many deep breaths and begin to enjoy school and let the rest of it all go...