After rereading my last post I realized it sounded like I was seriously depressed, which I can assure you I am not. Many of my blogs are just small snippets of thoughts, ideas that feel better out of my head, rather than swirling around tormenting me within. The day after I posted last I had a lovely lunch with the owner of the black box theatre I manage, Linda. She has been my mentor, friend, surrogate mother, and confidant for the past 4 years. After much discussion about what had been going on in her life and mine of late she said to me "You are overwhelmed". Um, what? She went on to tell me that it sounded to her like my brain was straining itself to process all of the new experiences and traumas I was witnessing and experiencing on a daily basis.
It made such perfect sense, I couldn't believe the thought had not occurred to me. Sometimes, it really helps to get a different perspective, one other than your own. The picture instantly became clear. Truly I feel like I have been sheltered, never having seen the seedy underbelly of what exists in this life. I have never been poor, clinically depressed, mentally disturbed, exposed to true trauma - blood, guts, screaming, moaning, people coding and dying. It is an eye opening, soul churning, at times deeply disturbing process to experience each and every day. It would it seems, be abnormal to not be affected by everything I am experiencing. There are moments when I wish I had not seen the things I have in the past few months. On the other hand, I feel like my world has literally been split wide open. This overwhelming need to not run, but instead help in anyway I can overtakes me. I also finding that I am so much more appreciative of the life I have had and the people I share it all with. Each day I can't wait to get home to my kids and husband, to hug and kiss them, tell them how much I love them.
A few days ago, I mentioned to Craig that our family is the most important thing in my life. I don't need things or money, just them by my side, happy and healthy. We have been reassessing our life of late, sorting out where we want to be and how we want to raise our kids and live our life. The conclusion is that we want to simplify, get away from the parts of life that distract us. Work less, spend more time at home, show our children the world, expand their horizons and perspectives, explore. Inspire them to help others and be grateful for all they have in this life.
Many options are being discussed, among them relocating our family. Not just a different house, perhaps a new adventure in another place, far from home. When I was 7 my parents moved our family cross country from New York to Arizona. It was a culture shock, a lifestyle change, for them a chance to start life anew. While I grew up in Arizona, I tolerated the state, the summers. All the while planning my escape, but that never happened. Instead I met my husband when I was young, not content to be anything other than his wife, I quickly married him and we embarked on our life together. In Arizona. It was never an option to move anywhere else, as his son lived with us, and his mother was in AZ as well. So I tied myself to one man and one state for at least 15 years.
Thirteen years later, there are endless possibilities opening up around us. My biggest fear is that we will make the wrong decision, the wrong choice. Maybe there is no right or wrong decision in this case. Perhaps, we should just make a choice and move forward, knowing that if it is meant to be, it will all work out. Craig has an interesting offer that is taking shape. Change it looks like will come sooner rather than later. I am ready to embrace it all and make our own big move in the near future.
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