I am sitting at my desk listening to Dark Was the Night and reveling in two full night of sleep. This past week getting up at 4:30 am some mornings and 7 others has thrown my whole system into disarray. The whole working 12 hr shift thing has been an adjustment too. It's a whole different culture working in a hospital, especially the ER. So much noise and chaos, so much to learn. It is either feast or famine at work. There are quiet hours with not much to do, followed by hours of panic and rush, as the ER floods with people. Patients, firefighters, EMT's, doctors, nurses, techs all running in different directions trying to get to everyone as quickly as possible. Sometimes, several hours pass before I can sit down, take a deep breath, and try absorb and sort through everything that has happened.
I feel like I went to bed one evening, only to wake up and find that overnight my whole life had changed. I keep trying to remind myself to stay in the moment, to revel in each part of these new developments. I see myself in scrubs walking through the long hallways of the hospital, attempting to find my way around, trying to find myself in this new environment. I know I am evolving, that somewhere inside there is a different version of me that will emerge. One that is poised and confident with each step, for now that not knowing what is ahead, trying to hold on tight and enjoy the ride is a constant struggle. Old fears and anxieties bubble up to the surface. I keep reminding myself this was an active choice I made, to pursue a career in nursing, to give back and touch lives. Right now though, it is all so overwhelming, scary, new. I look forward to the day when I am on my own, caring for patients. For now I revel in my new successes, learn from the failures, take deep breaths, and try to savor each and every moment.