Tomorrow is my first day of nursing school. There I said it, it's real, I am actually finally starting. The truth is I'm not quite sure I am ready for what comes next on this journey. Sleepless nights, stress, tests, clinicals, nightmares, studying for hours on end...did I mention sleepless nights? I just want to relax and enjoy each step of this process. To live in the moment, to simply be, soak it all in, but in my head at least it is not that simple. I am having doubts about my abilities, losing my confidence, hoping it all comes back after the first few days or weeks. My stomach is in knots and I feel nauseous, I am not certain I can handle this. Remind me again why I wanted to go to nursing school??? Oh yes, I felt "called" to become a nurse after Cam's birth.
Last Thursday I was awakened in the wee hours by Cam, who had been awakened himself by the newest insomniac, I mean member of our family, Gracie the cat. Climbing into bed with Craig and I, he snuggled up to me, said "I love you, Mom" and fell back asleep, It was lovely, amazing, sweet even at 3am. Earlier that evening he had lost his first tooth, excitement gave way to tears as he went to rinse out his mouth and washed his baby tooth down the drain. As I ruffled his hair and listened to his soft sighs give way to the deep, gentle breaths that signified his transition into sleep, I marvelled at this boy who has so quickly become an adolescent. My "dented and dinged" baby that was always falling, crashing, jumping, full of bumps and bruises as he cruised his way through the toddler years has become a big boy. As dawn broke, I gave into my thoughts, fears, hopes, rising from bed to prepare for orientation for nursing school. It seemed so fitting that he would lose his tooth that night, signifying yet another milestone on his way through childhood. Closing a chapter, much like I am, moving on to the next step in a life that never stops moving, changing, going forward regardless of whether we are ready.
Seems I just need a little perspective. So I will focus on the big picture, this incredible adventure that lies ahead, embracing whatever comes next just as my son has taught me to do.