It's Been a While

For a while I forgot about this place. Ok maybe not so much forgot as kept meaning to post, composed posts in my head, wrote a lot, and just not any of it made it here. Some of it was a time issue, some of it was sorting out the chaos in my head and life as I finished nursing school. Speaking of nursing school, it is officially over. The challenges, the tears, the night preceptorship, graduation, the whole looking for a job thing, oh and I won't even talk about the boards. The important thing is I passed, 45 minutes of my life I never want to go through again. Three years of school came down to a 45 minute out of body experience I still can not explain, but I passed. As for the job thing, turns out they came looking for me. For a month now I have been working day shift as an RN in PCU post open heart. Me, an RN, I still can hardly believe it. Yet it all happened and now the surrealness of those moments is beginning to pass and the reality of my life and new job is coming into focus.

I have so much more to say, not to mention a full makeover to do on this site. A picture has formed in my head and I just need to figure out how to bring it to fruition.

Work, work, so much more work to be done. All I can say is it feels good to have my life back.

CenPho

One of the best things about living in Central Phoenix, aside from the amazing schools, arts and theater scene, public transit, and diverse population, is the restaurants. Gone are endless chains filling strip mall after strip mall, here instead is the independent restaurant, the mom and pops, the family owned, the unique, expensive, cheap, they all make my heart and stomach rejoice. Craig and I have had the opportunity to savor many food experiences prior to and since our relocation. Some are kid friendly, while others provide us the opportunity to soak in an evening of wine, food, and conversation as a couple without a kids menu and all the accoutrements that come with our little tribe. As a homage to the eclectic restaurants we fondly enjoy I have added a list of some of our favorites to be known from here on out as Good Eats. In addition another category to be known as Good Times, a phrase uttered many times in all seriousness and sometimes in jest at our home, will offer up some of the most delightful activities CenPho has to offer.

And So It Goes...

On Monday evening I went to the airport to pick Cam up from heart camp. The young man who greeted me seemed more mature than the one Craig took to the airport 5 days earlier. This is what camp is supposed to do for him, let him grow, encourage him to be independent. All the things that break Mom's hearts. I was admittedly sad that night when I took him home and put him to bed. He shared his stories from camp and chattered about new friends, but something seemed different. The next day he was emotional, "camp letdown" I like to call it as being home and back to school is never as much fun as camp was for him. He clung to me and wanted to spend the whole day with me.

Everywhere I turn these days there are contradictions with Cam. I know it is part of the growing up process, messy, splintered, one step forward, two steps back, and on and on until he is ready to go out on his own. Most days him and I manage this well, dancing around this struggle as he slowly pulls away. There are moments I miss the little boy who held my hand, ran to my side, snuggled with me at every turn. Truly though I am so proud of the person he is becoming. Trust me he has his moments, but overall Cam is empathetic, caring, kind, he thinks of others and has a firecracker of a personality. He entertains and dazzles me, talks my ear off, and is the ringleader of mischief at our house. His counselors from camp made a point of coming up to me to tell me how much they enjoyed having Cam in their cabin, his easygoing personality making an impression on them as he has so many others over the past 9 years. I am amazed to watch him grow, but there are moments my heart aches as I go through the letting go process one step at a time. I don't think it will ever get any easier, but yet I look forward to meeting the man he will become...

Letter to Cam

Cam-

It seems like a lifetime ago as well as a mere moment that you emerged from my body and entered my life 9 years ago. They have been years filled with heartache, struggle, joy, amazement, disbelief, and enough tears and laughter to fill my heart in ways I never could have imagined before you were born. You changed my perspective on the world, my goals in life, you changed everything when you made me a mom. At first, I was overwhelmed and frightened at the thoughts of what might lie ahead, for you, for all of us. Each day I spent with you showed me a love I had never thought possible, a hope for the future, and determination beyond my wildest dreams. You surpassed all of my expectations, displaying a sense of humor and inner strength that gave you the ability to move past the challenges you were handed in life. You have never in the 9 years since you came into this world allowed your heart defect to define you, while it has been a part of you, it is not who you are. You are Hammer, the boy who steals hearts with your smile, wit, and charm. There are moments that just looking at you takes my breath away and I wonder how I got so lucky, how I am so blessed and honored to get to be your mom.

In the past year, you have decided to become a writer, lost teeth, watched your hero Shaun White win another Olympic medal, skateboarded, moved, changed schools...taking it all in stride in your typical way you embraced all that life threw at you. You have made new friends and celebrated the ones you have had since you were little. You have read stories to your sisters, explored new parts of the state with us, planned future adventures such as rafting the Grand Canyon. You have built Lego's, read books, bowled, roller skated, swam in lakes, oceans, creeks, thoroughly enjoyed being a little boy. You have made great plans and come up with grand schemes. The next year will be full of auditions and play dates, stories and sports, so many of the things that you enjoy in life.

This morning you snuggled in bed with me and I told you about the day you were born and the days that followed. I spoke to you of my love, tracing your face as I related the first moments we shared together as mother and son. I know that in the next few years you will not want to snuggle with mom, that there will be moments when you will shrug away from my hands as you find yourself and become a young man. My heart will break a little when that day comes, but I know it's all part of growing up, and I can't wait to see the man you become. You are already pulling away in so many small ways, finding your independence, defying me with your words and actions. You are headstrong and opinionated, you frustrate me and make me proud, so many emotions all jumbled up together I can hardly separate and define them. In two days, your Dad and I will take you to the airport and send you off to heart camp for the second year. Five days will pass before I hear your words tumble over each other again as you recount your many magical adventures at camp. I will miss you, but I know how much you grow and learn at camp each year, how easily you find your place amongst the kids who share your experiences in life as a heart kid. When I hold you in my arms again next week, I will trace your face and be reminded again of the first of our many moments together as mother and son. Then I will take you back home and we will get back to the business of watching you grow up....

Love,
Mom

Heart Walk 2010

Part of the reason I posted all about Cam's story is that we are walking with him and in honor of him in the American Heart Association walk here in Phoenix February 27, 2009. Team Hammer, my dad's nickname for the strongest kid he knows, is recruiting team members and donations. All money goes to a good cause with the AHA contributing to research on Congenital Heart Defects. Please help us, come out and support us, walk with us, cheer us on, our make a small donation! I have posted some pictures here of Cam after his surgeries, if you are squeamish you may want to avoid them. Our hope is that one day no child will have to go through the challenges of living with a congenital heart defect. That no parents will have to face the fear of losing their child before their 1st birthday, or 1st day of school, or before they get a chance to grow up and become parents themselves! That there will at the very least be alternatives available, such as valve replacement through catheterization rather than surgery (currently in trials in the US).

For details about joining our team or to make a donation - please click this link or send me an email or post a comment asking for more information.

Cam after his 1st surgery, emergency surgery at PCH

Cam after his 2nd surgery, full repair at CHLA

Cam 4 days after his 3rd surgery - day after he was released from the hospital happy, smiling, full of life outside his favorite place in LA, Milk

First kisses - Cameron's Story

Some of you know the story of our son, Cameron who was diagnosed at 3 days old with a congenital heart defect. Cam underwent three open heart surgeries all before his 6th birthday. The scariest of which was an emergency surgery at 7 months old. Cameron woke up coughing in the middle of the night, when we turned on the light to check on him his skin was gray. We rushed him to the nearest ER, about 5 minutes from our home at the time. The triage nurse checked his O2 stats and they werecritical at 20%, normal is 95-100% .  I usually pride myself on being able to hold it together when faced with a difficult situation, my tendency is to fall apart afterwards. In this case however, I lost it. I cried, could not stop shaking, at one point I ran down the hall to the nearest bathroom and was physically ill.  After screaming at the doctors' mutiple times they eventually they did call his doctor, adminstered meds, and stabilized him enough to lifeflight him to Phoenix Children's Hospital. The helicopter ride seemed so long, I felt so helpless,  all I could do was pray he survived the flight.

Upon arriving at PCH, Cam was rushed into a room in their pediatric heart unit. Nurses tried several times in vain to insert an IV, instead a doctor would wind up sewing a central line into the jugular in his neck. It was ugly, awful, I still can't recall the memories without tears. When the cardiologist on call arrived, he performed an echo on Cam and announced he would need emergency surgery to have any chance of surviving. My baby was attached to so many tubes and wires, intubated, sedated. His full repair was already scheduled for 6 weeks later and I thought I had time to mentally prepare myself for what lie ahead. Instead, I stood in a hospital room with my critically ill child. I held his hand, sent him off to surgery not knowing if he would come back. not knowing if I would ever see his sparkling eyes again or hear his sweet voice again.

The evening before Cameron had given us his first kisses, slobbery faces full of drool and sheer joy. I couldn't help, but wonder if those would be the only kisses he ever gave us. I couldn't help recalling my emergency C-Section with Cam, the spinal that didn't work, the anesthesia I endured to bring my son into this world. I missed his first moments, first cry. I wasn't the first one to see his face, touch his soft skin, comfort him. I was however the first one to ever give him a kiss. When I came out of recovery, my dad came over with one of the nurses who was holding my son, my boy, my Cameron. As the nurse held him up to my face, my father said "None of us kissed him yet, we left the first kiss for you". My first memory of my son is that kiss. It seemed at that moment at the hospital, sending Cam off to the unknown I couldn't help wondering if the kisses he gave me the night prior might be his first and last.

Instead, Cam showed his strength that day as he has many days since. He survived that surgery, came through with flying colors in fact, and was released from the hospital three days later. Two more surgeries have come and gone, I always get the last kiss before he goes off to surgery and the first one when it is over. Each time, I leave my sweet boy or send him off somewhere, whether it be school or his first heart canp, I always get a kiss from him. It is still as sweet as the first one...

A couple of the kisses we have shared over the years.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

When I was 5 years old I did a faceplant on the dashboard of my mom's car when she stopped short. The end result of that accident was that I lost my 4 top teeth. There was blood and tears, meals of yogurt and baby food for days after. I don't think my sister has ever forgiven me for the loss of her best scarf, which my mother quickly grabbed and pressed to my mouth. Here is a picture of me a few months after the accident.

Last Tuesday evening my 5 year old daughter, Rebecca on the eve of her 6th birthday did a faceplant onto our tile floor. There was blood and tears followed by a mad dash to the ER. The end result after four hours of waiting was a lacerated lip, bruised gums, and 6 bloodied and loosened teeth. After returning home at 1am with my now medicated daughter I fell into bed only to be awakened 6 hours later by the dentist. After taking her in for Xrays and an exam we learned that she will indeed, like her mother lose her teeth. For the time being, she endures a soft diet as we wait for the teeth to fall out. Though her sister has no scarf to hold against her, Allison was beside herself to learn that her sister will lose her teeth first.

Unfortunately all of the pictures that show the full glory of her mouth after the spill are on Craig's cell phone and have not been uploaded. Here is one a couple of days later at my parents. You can see her lip healing and her bruised gums, but the loose tooth are not apparent unless she wiggles them or you see her try to bite anything.

The only positive part of this whole deja vuish experience is that for both of us they were baby teeth. In a year or two the new adult version of her teeth will appear and this will all be a distant memory. One I hope will not be repeated by one of her daughters.

Finally a Break

As of yesterday the kids and I are all officially on break from school. I wish I could say it was all about relaxing and enjoying some peaceful family time. Unfortunately, I still have two papers and a drug presentation to write, not to mention a test when I return to school that requires studying. There will be downtime though starting with a night out at Glendale Glitters with the kids. Then after I put in my required holiday shifts at work December 24-28th we are off to the mountains for a few days at my parents house. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and their will be some good snow for sledding. Images of snuggling by the fireplace, enjoying food, and family are what has kept me going for the last month.

I thought I would share some funny things that happened at my house recently:

Coversation between Allison and I:
Me: "Alli be nice to your sister and brothers they are the only ones you are going to get".
Alli: "Why Mommy?".
Me: "Uh, because this baby factory is closed. There will be no more babies in this house".
Alli: (Starts crying) "But I don't want to be the youngest" at which point she turns to her sister and says "Well at least I am older than you".
Becca: (Starts crying)
Me: "Ugh, nice Alli. As far as I am concerned 1 minute doesn't really count, you are both the youngest"!
At which point they both ran off to play together again.

A little girl from school called Cameron last night to come over and play. I asked to talk to the mom and after discussing we set up a play date. I asked her towards the end of the conversation if she knew that Cameron was a boy not a girl as Cameron is a gender neutral name. She did not know he was a boy and so after more discussion we decided the play date should be at her house so she could supervise. It's a good thing I said something!  Life at our house with 4 kids is never dull.

Now that I have the time there will be some updates and changes to the blog:
 We should have a closing date for our new house in the next few days. Which will lead to a new feature on this blog : The Rodriquez Renovation...lots of before and after photos to come as we restore and renovate our new vintage home!

The Calm After the Storm

Winter has finally arrived in AZ. Now I know that cold is all relative, but my thin skinned self is freezing right now. Following a weekend of brisk weather in Palm Springs I returned home to a massive winter storm. As rain hammered the state I headed off to work and school bundled up with my coat and gloves. Driving home from work I weaved through an obstacle course of downed trees, sprawled trash cans, and street lights that were out. The rain came down in sideways sheets as the wind howled. Craig opened the garage for me and I entered our candlelit house. The power had gone out and stayed out until the wee hours of the morning.

This morning I snuggled in my warm bed listening as the house woke up around me. Snatches of whispered conversation punctuated by laughter drifted from the girls room. As the word "mom" became louder and more persistent I rose to make the kids breakfast and drive them to school. Now, I sit in my office drinking a cup of hot tea thinking about how blessed I have been feeling lately. Blessed to have such a strong, close knit family. Blessed to have such supportive old friends and grateful for the new ones I have made over the past few months. Blessed to watch my kids grow and find their own voice each day. Most of all I feel blessed that we have the opportunity to flee the suburbs and head to a more urban environment. That sounds odd as most people I know flee TO the suburbs with their kids. I just can't wait to show them all the city has to offer and watch their world split wide open. For the first time in a long time I feel content and happy. Why is it I keep waiting for something to change that happy state? Craig tells me that instead of enjoying the moment I am often fretting over what lies ahead, anticipating that challenges and problems will crop up again. Today, I am going to make every effort to just sit in this moment and enjoy it for what it is, without worrying about what comes next.

Settling In

Lately I feel like my life has been preempted, taken over by a force bigger than me. That force is called nursing school. My days revolve around homework, lectures, labs, tests, with work and family time added to the mix life as I know it has changed. Confidence wise I am mostly feeling stronger than I ever could have anticipated, yet there are still nerve wracking moments that punctuate my calm facade. My first three tests scores were truthfully best case scenario. On my drug calculation test I obtained the required 100% on the first attempt. This was followed by an 86% on our first module test. Then this past week I was delighted and shocked to learn I had earned the highest grade in our class with a perfect 100% on the fluid/electrolyte test rumored to be one of the hardest this block. Though I spend many hours working on my own I have also settled into a study group.

On a personal note, Craig and I have made the decision to relocate our family out of the suburbs and into Central Phoenix. After an exhaustive search we made an offer on a home and after 45 days, which included some negotiations with the bank as the house is a short sale, it was accepted. Still working out a few details, but if all goes well the keys should be in our hands by the end of December. It will be a bittersweet as we leave many friends behind, but we have come to the conclusion that for us now is the right time to move. Oh and before I forget, we added a new member to our family. Gracie, a gorgeous and sweet Siamese came to join us from a local shelter in late October. She has quickly settled in and found her place in our chaotic household.

Finally, I just returned from a weekend respite in Palm Springs with my "original" family, my Dad, Mom, and sister. It was the first vacation just the 4 of us in 15 years. As we ate our way around Palm Springs, enjoyed wine tastings in Temecula, and rode the aerial tramway to the top of a snow capped mountain, we reconnected finding the dynamic that once held us together as a unit. Great music, laughter, inside jokes, deep conversation, insightful thoughts, and a few tense moments marked the three days we spent together. In the end, I felt incredibly blessed and lucky to have such a remarkable, close knit family. It was however, after the quick escape, a relief to return to the family Craig and I have worked so hard to build over the past 14 years. As I write this the girls are chasing each other around the house while Cam occasionally wanders into the office for help with his homework. All is for now right in my little corner of the world. Pictures to follow as well as some more updates in the upcoming weeks.

Letting Go

There a few occasions that I find myself at a loss for words. Lately I either can not find enough words or maybe just the right words don't seem to come. Both my perfectionist nature and headstrong personality which have in the past encouraged me to dive into to so many situations without a moment's hesitation have now become somewhat taxing. There is so much pressure on me that I feel like any error or miscalculation on my part constitues a complete, utter failure. The problem is no one else is putting that pressure on me, but myself. Take for instance today. There I was in the skills lab doing my vital signs check off, I was 8pts off on the blood pressure reading I did the first time. The professor checked me off on the rest of my vitals and told me come back to try the BP again in the afternoon. All of my lunch hour, along with a good portion of the afternoon was spent beating myself up. As the end of the day neared, I felt that I should not even try again, but I did and I was within the 4pt difference that was allowed. So, there it was checked off on my list and there I was defeated instead of celebrating.

On the drive home I asked myself who is this person? Where is the woman I know and recognize? The desire to run as far as I could as fast as I could begin to settle upon me. The same urge I have felt in the past when my control began to slip. The thing is I am not by any stretch of the imagination a runner. So, instead I fed the kids, pumped up my bike tires, and with NIN pounding in my ears I was off. Legs pumping furiously, I rode until the muscles in my leg began to whimper, rode until they screamed ENOUGH, rode until the tears came and my legs turned to jello. It was only at that point as the release finally came that I let go, climbed off my bike, and walked the remainder of the way home.

As my breathing slowed, I reminded myself of all the reasons I am becoming a nurse, all the reasons I am drawn to, and love this profession. It was then that it struck me, the reason I am putting all this pressure on myself. I want more than anything to be not just be a nurse, but to be a successful nurse, to put my heart and soul, a piece of myself into my work and my patients. I can not think of anything more important to me at this point in my life than seeing the culmination of my dream. I have found the one thing in life I feel I should be doing and more than anything I am scared of failing, it is not even an option for me not to finish what I have started. This epiphany came to me then, that I need to let it all go and let whatever is meant to be just happen. After all, that is how I got here in the first place. All the rewards and challenges I have faced in my life have in retrospect all happened for a reason. So, I am going to take the first of many deep breaths and begin to enjoy school and let the rest of it all go...

The First Week

Several times this week it has been ever so politely pointed out to me that this is the first week of the rest of my life. Well, the rest of my life as a nurse that is. I appreciate the support, encouragement, concern, and love. I have tried to take to heart advice from my family and friends to relax, get some sleep, not burn myself out. The truth is what I really want, no need is to find my footing on my own. To call to vent, to express my frustrations over the disorganization, to just have a listening ear and nothing more. I know that I am a little stressed right now, yes I know it will get better. I just need time to balance school, work, family, endless studying, oh and the plethora of hands on stuff. My confidence is slowly returning, soon the old strong, determined me you have all grown accustomed to will reappear propelling me forward towards my goal. For now though my perspective is that it's only the first week.

And So It Begins

Tomorrow is my first day of nursing school. There I said it, it's real, I am actually finally starting. The truth is I'm not quite sure I am ready for what comes next on this journey. Sleepless nights, stress, tests, clinicals, nightmares, studying for hours on end...did I mention sleepless nights? I just want to relax and enjoy each step of this process. To live in the moment, to simply be, soak it all in, but in my head at least it is not that simple. I am having doubts about my abilities, losing my confidence, hoping it all comes back after the first few days or weeks. My stomach is in knots and I feel nauseous, I am not certain I can handle this. Remind me again why I wanted to go to nursing school??? Oh yes, I felt "called" to become a nurse after Cam's birth.

Last Thursday I was awakened in the wee hours by Cam, who had been awakened himself by the newest insomniac, I mean member of our family, Gracie the cat. Climbing into bed with Craig and I, he snuggled up to me, said "I love you, Mom" and fell back asleep, It was lovely, amazing, sweet even at 3am. Earlier that evening he had lost his first tooth, excitement gave way to tears as he went to rinse out his mouth and washed his baby tooth down the drain. As I ruffled his hair and listened to his soft sighs give way to the deep, gentle breaths that signified his transition into sleep, I marvelled at this boy who has so quickly become an adolescent. My "dented and dinged" baby that was always falling, crashing, jumping, full of bumps and bruises as he cruised his way through the toddler years has become a big boy. As dawn broke, I gave into my thoughts, fears, hopes, rising from bed to prepare for orientation for nursing school. It seemed so fitting that he would lose his tooth that night, signifying yet another milestone on his way through childhood. Closing a chapter, much like I am, moving on to the next step in a life that never stops moving, changing, going forward regardless of whether we are ready.

Seems I just need a little perspective. So I will focus on the big picture, this incredible adventure that lies ahead, embracing whatever comes next just as my son has taught me to do.

Two Weeks of Summer...Part I

The long awaited vacation post is finally here...yes I know our vacation was two, uh make that three months ago, but I have been a little er busy. Okay I have been procrastinating...and preparing for nursing school...and working full time...and getting the kids back to school...and attending awards ceremonies...and getting the theater season up and running...and looking for a house...and planning a move. Well, you get the picture. No more excuses as the summer fades to fall here is the story of our adventures in the Midwest.

We began our trip in Indianapolis arriving late in the evening kids and luggage in tow. After a night's rest we headed to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, followed by lunch in downtown Indy. The gray skies and drizzles of rain were a welcome respite from the 110+ degree temps we had left behind in AZ. I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed Indy more, but the fact is I was excited to get going to Michigan, looking forward to seeing Tamara, one of my best friends, again. So, off went through the fields of the Midwest, hours of gorgeous countryside as the sun played peek-a-boo with the clouds making our way to Michigan. We arrived as the sun began to descend, it's last rays reflecting off Indian Lake. Their home was filled with light, warmth, wrapping it's arms around us much as they did welcoming us into their lives for a brief moment. After a lovely weekend we were off to the first part of our trip to Chicago. We arrived for a lovely, albeit brief and somewhat delayed lunch with one of my favorite writers/bloggers, Claire of Life in Chicago and her newborn daughter Veronica. She was even more interesting, lovely, and warm than I could have ever imagined. It was a joy to meet this writer whose words I have admired and followed for several years. After exploring Lincoln Square on foot, we headed out to the aquarium with the kids. Dinner at Wishbone, followed by another night's rest, prepared us for another day of exploring. Starved Rock State Park was the next adventure on our list. Let me just say hiking at home is desert, rocks, mountain views, steep dusty trails...nothing like the lush green paths, views of the water, and pitter patter of rain drops we encountered on our hike at Starved Rock. I can not simply describe it in words. So instead I will share a few pictures of the gorgeous sights that day.

The next day we spent at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. One of the highlights for the kids of that day was the Harry Potter exhibit with costumes, props, and clips from the actual movies. Finished with the first leg of our Chicago trip we again journeyed back to Michigan to spend 6 more days with Tamara and her family.

Those days were spent blueberry picking...

Hanging out at the beach....

Cruising Indian Lake and jumping off the boat into the cool water...

Venturing to Michigan Adventure...

A week full of moments with friends and family, eating, cooking, shopping, playing, reconnecting, reveling in the simplicity of just being...then it was time to exchange hugs, promises, tears as we were swept up in the last few days of our vacation and the second leg of our trip to Chicago.

To be continued...

More Than I Dared Hope For

I remember the first morning after Cam was born, once the fog from the drugs I was given during my emergency C-Section had lifted, once I could think clearly, having a moment with my son that is captured forever in my memory. As the first rays of sun began to stream through my hospital room, I picked up my son and sat in the chair next to the window. Filled with wonder, amazed at this child that had come from deep within me, I knew a love that was beyond anything I had every experienced. His ten fingers and toes, his wispy hair, long eyelashes, soft sighs, I traced his sweet face, in awe of this miracle of life in my arms, my son. Two days later we were devastated at the news of his heart defect. My world had come crashing down in one sentence. It was the deepest loss I have faced in my life, the loss of this idea of a perfect child that I and so many other expectant parents cling to so dearly. It would take years for me to come to terms with Cam's heart, years to reconcile my love for my son with my fears of losing the child I loved so deeply.

The past eight years have been filled with surprises, heartaches, unexpected and planned surgeries and joy beyond compare as I have watched my son grow. After his second surgery there was the prognosis of no more surgeries and complete recovery followed by a reversal one month later when we saw his cardiologist for a post surgery checkup. Cam would need a new pulmonary valve, followed by another and another as he outgrew each subsequent valve. I learned to let go, to face the unknown with strength, to enjoy each day of his life and mine as we forged ahead.

So each time we have gone in for a checkup I have braced myself for the worst, knowing the next surgery could be closer than we anticipated. The checkups have ranged from every week during the first months of Cam's life, to once every six months following his last surgery, that was the best we could hope for his cardiologist advised. Two weeks ago we headed out to meet with his cardiologist again. Hoping that nothing had changed, that he was holding steady, and not progressively getting worse. Instead we were shocked to find out that Cam's heart is growing, adjusting, for the first time healing itself, giving him the gift of time. So, the view has shifted with surgery perhaps 10 years or more out. Options have emerged with the possibilities of ballooning and stents rather than another valve. Cam may be well into his teenage years before we face another tough decision, another surgery, more hospitalization. For the first time checkups have now been pushed to once a year rather than weekly or monthly. Quite an amazing new development in what has been a remarkable and adventurous life thus far. They say having a child changes your life forever, but I had no idea what challenges would lie ahead of us when Cam entered my world. My life has been shaped by the experiences of being his mother and I wouldn't change a thing...it has been more than I dared ever hope for that first moment when I fell in love with my son.

MIA

It's been about six weeks since my last blog post. Essentially what happened was one month of working overnight shifts threw my system into a complete and utter tailspin. During the course of that month I also flew to California for staff training for the camp I was going to be a counselor at in early September. Going to be...as in...it didn't happen.

Instead, my son returned from his jaunt to camp excited, full of stories about his 5 days of adventures. We were overwhelmed during the time period that he was gone and relieved when he returned. I underestimated how emotional the whole process of sending my child off to a different state for camp would be. How difficult it would be to not talk to him or see his beautiful face everyday. That tears that would come from both he and I the moment we saw each other at the airport and I held him in my arms again.

I digress...what happened was Craig and Chris had been sick all week. I had been taking vitamins, airborne, anything I could to not get sick. Unfortunately, I also worked three overnights during that week. Lo and behold the day before I was to get on the plane to go, I got sick. As the mother of a heart child, I understand the far reaching consequences of your child getting anything upper respiratory. It can quickly turn into something far worse than a common cold. The gist of this was I contacted the medical director of the camp. After hearing my symptoms, she politely asked me to stay home. My bags were packed and I was devastated. While I understood and agreed with the determination, it did nothing to ease my disappointment.

This seemed to be the first in a series of challenges I would face in the weeks to come. It was a slow process regaining my footing and health. There was an er visit over the weekend I was supposed to be at camp due to some difficulty breathing, which ended with a prescription for an inhaler and instructions to get some rest. There were the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed to help ease my insomnia that left me drooling and semi comatose, needless to say I only took them twice. Then there was the determination that we needed to rent our house out and buy another one. I won't go into details as to the contributing factors. I will however say it was one of the hardest decisions Craig and I have ever had to make. We love our home, it is the only one our kids can remember, but it truly is the best move for our family right now. I need to focus on school, cut back on work, finish my degree, get a job in the nursing field. We need to move forward instead continuing to get pulled further and further underwater by our house.

The upside is I have recovered and am back to working days. My confidence has been restored and I am looking forward to a new chapter in our family's life. After a month of searching we made an offer on 4 houses yesterday, keeping our fingers crossed that one will be accepted. My packet should be coming with my school schedule any day now. While I did not win the Zoni for best director, the theater I am managing artistic director of won for Best Overall Children's production. It was an incredible night and I couldn't have been prouder accepting the award for the theater! The weather is turning bringing with it the promise of a new season and my favorite time of year. My 35th birthday is quickly approaching and we are planning a trip to Tucson with some friends to see Kartchner Caverns and go apple and pumpkin picking with the kids at an orchard in Willcox. All in all things are looking up. I can see the bright spots in my daily life again. Now, I am just keeping my finger's crossed that Cam's cardiology check up goes well on Wednesday and he gets another clean bill of health.

A New Chapter

Last week was one of the best weeks of my life. Following on the
heels of the Zoni nominations on Monday, Friday I was offered a spot in the Banner Fellows Nursing Program that starts in October. Which means 18 months from now I will graduate with my RN. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to fit my prereq's in between diaper changes, naps, and Cam's first year of school. Last week was the beginning of the end of that chapter of my life. This morning Craig and I took the girls to their first day of Kindergarten and Cameron to 3rd grade.

It was such a bittersweet moment to see my babies off. I thought

I would be ecstatic for them to finally be in school all day.

Happy to have my days free and finish school myself. Instead, I find myself wistful, nostalgic, a little sad even. Recalling last year and the four prior. Days spent just me and the girls, hanging out, playing, having adventures together, sharing secrets. Tears came in the car on the way home. No little chattering monkeys in the back seat. My house is still, quiet, untouched by the sounds of laughter and play. The hours drag by. My heart hurts today. I truly didn't think it would be this hard. The truth is those days were so precious and now they are gone.

Ten weeks. That is how long I have to adjust to this new chapter

of my life as it unfolds before me. Until school starts, sweeping me into a haze of studying, clinicals, the completion of my degree. For now, I am going to sit back and start planning...and counting the days until the kids' fall break.

A Full Month

Just returned last Friday from our long awaited two week vacation to Chicago, Michigan, and Indiana. There is a long post to come with pictures and tales of our various adventures. For now, I will just say that it was incredible, relaxing, a time for reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. The weather was beautiful, Chicago amazing - can't wait to go back. A few things happened during the past month I want to mention. First, the children's production I directed back in May was nominated for 4 Zoni's including Best Production and a Best Director's nod for myself. I was stunned and thrilled and owe it all to the amazing cast, all 22 of them and their supportive parents, not to mention an fantastic, talented Asst Director! Also, the week before we left I had my long awaited interview for Banner Fellows. Friday I will find out of I have been chosen as one of 30 for their fall cohort, it would be an honor and privilege to finish nursing school as a Fellow! More to come tomorrow, off to work this morning.

Fourth of July

Thirteen years ago Craig and I were married on the 4th of July. This man was and still is my best friend, lover, travel companion, conspirator, sparring partner, father of my children, the only man I have ever truly loved. These past 13 years have been filled with laughter, struggles, adventure, pain, challenges that pushed us to the brink. There were moments I would not have survived without his strength, moments of grief that tore us apart and then brought us back to each other. The birth of our first son together, followed by the shared tears and heartbreak when learning of his heart condition at 3 days old. The fear and anticipation over Cam's three surgeries, followed by relief over his recoveries. The celebration and joy over the birth of our healthy twin girls. Small snippets of days, fights, moments that are only ours - moments that over the years have shaped our marriage, our relationship in countless ways. There is no one else I can imagine sharing my life, my heart, my family with than Craig. He knows me in a way no one else ever has and to my sheer amazement and great joy he loves me even more than I ever could have anticipated. Finding and sharing my life with him has made me want to be a better person for him, for us, for our family, for our life together now and in the future.

This year was obviously very different than the one we shared together 13 years ago. I surprised our family with an overnight stay at a local resort that has a water park. The kids were thrilled, Craig and I tolerated the people, the lines, the crowds. After a while, we relaxed and focused on our kids. Splashing and playing in the pools, laughing and screaming on our way down the water slide, dinner at a local spot. This day was about all of us, the family we have made together and the many years to come as we raise our children. As the evening neared the end, we hopped on the light rail headed for Indian Steele Park to enjoy the fireworks or at least that was the plan. The light rail train in front of us broke down. After assessing the situation, we decided to walk the rest of the way through the warm summer evening. We didn't quite make it to the park, instead staking out a spot on the front lawn of Brophy Prep, away from the crowds we oohed and aahed over the fireworks display. As we adjusted our plans, there was no argument, no frustrations, we adapted, changed, moved forward together as we always have. It seems we have learned over the past 13 years that the most important thing in this life is that we are together no matter what direction life takes us in. Though I don't know what lies ahead of us, I know one thing. I want this man, my husband by my side, no matter what comes next.

A Time to Dance

When I was 4 years old my mother took me to Miss Genevieve's School of Dance near our home in Long Island. The pictures from those first few years of recitals reflect a happy, smiling little girl. Dressed in the requisite layers of tulle and frills, tap or ballet shoes on her feet enjoying every moment. Once we moved to Arizona, those dance classes became for me endless hours of torture. The giggles and innocence of little girls turned into cattiness accompanied by a level of competitiveness I dreaded. Truth be told, I was not much of a dancer. I was a dreamer, searching for every opportunity to lose myself in a book, or write in my journal. So, after much begging and pleading on my part followed by downright refusal to go on any longer, I quit dance for good.


Last week, I sat in an auditorium surrounded by vivid memories of those dance classes and recitals. For the past six months, my girls have been taking tap/ballet classes once a week. Their first recital was for them one of the highlights of their summer. For me, I had to take deep breaths, reminding myself this is one of the many things I have and will continue to do for my children. Given the choice, I would have been anywhere, but in that auditorium surrounded by pageantry and stage moms. They were lovely, in that sweet effervescent way only little girls can be. They smiled, giggled, tapped their way through their routine in their own layers of frills and tulle. There were my daughters, enjoying their first moment on stage, while I with tears in my eyes sat watching, cheering them on. Despite my hesitations, not to mention the two painful hours of performance I was subjected to during the course of the recital. I wouldn't have missed their five minutes for the world.